My sister-in-law is driving me crazy with her endless need to
talk about herself. I am starting to feel like I don’t even exist when I
have to relate to her and I am starting to feel very resentful that my
life is apparently of no interest at all to her.
I think many of us have been through an unenviable encounter with a
self absorbed person - and if they are work mates - or more difficult
still, family members, it can be tricky territory to navigate.
Often
at the beginning it can be fun with someone like your new
sister-in-law. This personality type can be charismatic and
entertaining, especially when you first meet. Initially they will
radiate a brightness and confidence which is often very alluring - and
the feeling they see you as a confidante can be affirming, until it
suddenly starts to dawn on you that actually you are on a one way
communication street. The flipside of the personality of the self
absorbed companion suddenly comes to light - and what you initially saw
as charisma translates into a breathtaking over confidence, sense of
entitlement and lack of empathy.
Individuals who have this self
absorption - sometimes termed narcissistic personality - very rarely
think they have a problem and their primary focus tends to be a struggle
to preserve their veneer.
Whilst the self absorbed person can have moments of generosity
and charm - for the most part they will be unaware of your needs and
uninterested in meeting them even if they are aware.
According to
Mark Drummond, specialist psychologist in personality traits at Argosy
University in Chicago, "being self caring is considered healthy, but
certain people misinterpret that as an excuse to be self centered".
Most
of us are polite and will humour this person until the point where we
realise that this dynamic looks unlikely to change. At that point we
often wonder what it is that seems to be so lacking in us that this
other person barely registers that we have a life - and soon after that
we begin to feel indignation that anyone could be quite so insensitive.
If
you and your new sister-in-law were sharing a dessert and she consumed
it all - every time - it would be a very odd experience. Actually this
is what is happening. Whilst we know that retaining some selfishness is
important for healthy relationships, Judith Orloff, writing for Psychology Today suggests, we need to be strategic when dealing with this type of personality. Similarly, Wendy Behary, in her book, Disarming the Narcissist,
says we need to keep our expectations low when we are dealing with
friends or family or workmates who have these tendencies. We can't
choose our families- nor our work colleagues -and therefore it is
important to learn how to manage these personalities who will crop up in
most people's lives at some point.
Instead of believing you will
turn the self absorbed around, says Orloff, it is best to be realistic
about the time you spend together. Confronting a person with these
traits can be to provoke their anger or retaliation. Try diverting the
constant 'me-talk' by telling your companion that you like one of her
positive attributes, suggests Orloff, for example: "I like the way you
seem to grasp local politics - can you tell me more of what you think is
going on in this city" etc. Lower your expectations and strategise your
needs. Frankly your deepest feelings are highly unlikely to be
cherished - and while it is tedious to ego stroke these people, your
relationship is unavoidable - and using techniques to keep the
relationship harmonious, whilst preserving your own peace of mind, is
good advice.
The reality is that this type of personality is
actually a sad one under all the prattle. The self absorbed tend to live
in a narrowly confined world and, lacking a stable centre, they
struggle with any degree of healthy attachment, and cannot read the core
of themselves or others. Instead they cling to external cues and images
with which to present their sense of self and worth. I suspect that if
you look closely, your sister-in-law might have scared off any hope of
having her own close friends - and, further to this, lives a life with
some knowledge of her own aching emptiness.
You are entirely
correct that trying to connect with this personality type seems to suck
the energy out of conversations and events - don't make your sense of
self worth dependent on this sister in law. I understand how important
it is to feel part of your new family, but you will soon start to find
your own friends. Your challenge is to balance out your needs.
In
a nutshell, the advice is to turn the conversation round when you can,
try and keep your conversations with her in a group - and don't let
yourself promise things to her that you can't deliver. Talk to your
husband and make sure you have his support.
Jane Austen, gimlet
eyed observer of human social behaviour in the nineteenth century, said
wryly, 'selfishness must always be forgiven, simply because there is no
hope of a cure".
So try not to wear yourself out with your
reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour - set your boundaries and
look forward to the many new and real companions who I have no doubt
will soon be in your life
No comments:
Post a Comment